She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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