I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
