you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
