I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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