I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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