Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
