my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
