He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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