I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
