you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
