so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
