There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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