that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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