I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
