Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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