My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
