Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
