I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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