Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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