all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
two words: eviction party
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
