I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
