apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
