See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
