if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
