Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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