just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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