Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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