wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
How's work?
Spinning.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
