It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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