the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
