Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
