i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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