my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
