So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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