Small penises have feelings too.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
