so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
