i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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