ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
