Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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