Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
