is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
