i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
