she woke up with a sticky ear
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
