if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
