My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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