Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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