coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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