I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
