Pappa wants mamma naked
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
