the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
