I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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